Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Well, today was just another boring day at mi escuela. Once again, Mr. G (an evil,idiotic loser from Brownsville disguised as my Ap History Teacher) forgot that he is in fact a teacher and did not come to school, leaving a bunch of mindless teenagers to suffer through an hour and half unsupervised. Golly Gee, what ever shall teenagers do with an hour and half of ‘free time’ and no one watching us?

In an hour and half teens can do a boat load of things: buy a house on Ebay, watch an illegal X-rated movie on the internet, and create huge gossip that will potentially lead to someone with weird hair and purple circles under their eyes coming back years later and shooting everybody. Nn hour and half in the hands of crazy teenagers can even create MORE crazy teenagers (in about fifteen years and nine months). However, Teens can even…UH-OH…CLOSE YOUR CHILDREN’S EYES…do their…………………… HOMEWORK!!!! STOP THE PRESS!

Well, maybe not normal teens, but that is exactly what my classmates (a.k.a. losers) decided to do in an isolated portable with no cameras. Man, life sure is crazy sometimes. Give me some homework and a Dr.Pepper and I’ve got a wild Friday night. And it’s all due to Mr. G and his great methods of teaching. They say absence is key in finding yourself…maybe G is only trying to find himself….fired.

But I suppose teaching means something different to everybody. There are all kinds of role models and all kinds of teaching styles I have discovered.

Some, like Lindsay Lohan, teach their sisters that—Oh, its fine if you go out and drink and do drugs and get in car wrecks and don’t show up to work, you can just become a lesbian and everyone will forget that you were ever a crack-whore, because now you’re just ‘hip’ and if anyone makes fun of lesbians they get called Bill O’Reilly and they’re rejected by society--so your in the clear. Don’t worry Ali, drink up!
Wow, Lindsay is so wise.

Some others, however, take a different approach to teaching. Like Stephenie Meyer—she decided to write a book to young teens about cereal killers and if you ever realize that the boy who is stalking you is actually a human-eating machine—don’t worry—just let him sleep in the same bed as you every night and everything will turn out just dandy. You might even get turned into a monster and get married at 19 too!!!!!!! Trust in strangers is key young grasshoppers.

But I have to say, my favorite teacher of all time has to be Mr. Rogers. Maybe/Maybe-Not-Real-God Bless his soul. Not only did Mr. Rogers come into children’s around the world television sets EVERY morning with too big of a smile for a man close to eternal sleep, but he also managed to turn learning into a beaming, delusional, and sometimes moronic event.

First, Mr. Rogers would enter his house, which we (the audience) were already in because his imaginary friends gave us a spare key, and he would sing us that same song. EVERY MORNING! “It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?” It’s okay kids, consistency is key and if you agree to be mine and watch me everyday your parents will stop fighting and the kids at school will magically stop stealing your fruit roll-up.
I just have to say that if I ever sung that same pinheaded song every morning to my mother she would have had me checked for schizophrenia or some sort of ADHD problem. And then, after the lovely lullaby, Mr. Rogers would turn on a movie to show us how the topic-of-the-day really worked. A MOVIE! I’m sorry, but I do not turn on the television to my favorite show so that then my favorite show can show me its favorite movie. NO. Talk about copywright. What is he trying to teach us? If you turn in your paper about racism and just put one sentence: See Hucklebery Finn for further information then you’ll get an A! I believe this is incorrect MR. ROGERS!

AND THEN…if that’s not enough, Mr. Rogers would send his train (who he talked to on a regular basis even though it never said anything back) to guide us into his magical “puppet” world. This world not only had adult puppets full of people’s hands moving them but also they had puppet children and puppet families. I mean, ever since, I’ve never been able to look at people clapping the same way. “Oh yes, Bravo! Whoop Whoop! Clap, Clap! Oh wait a minute, my hands just conceived another hand! Call the doctor!’ I’m sorry but no. This is NOT something that we should be teaching to children.

Mr. Rogers, way to go! Completely on your own you managed turn a society full of semi-normal children into talking-to-trains-singing-to-yourself-clapping-baby-freaks! Congrats.
But once again, I guess I can’t control how everything works, especially how leaders of today are teaching other, no-longer-potential-leaders of tomorrow.

And with that, I say adieu. American Idol is about to come on and btw if Adam Lambert does not win I am giving up on the entire American society. Gokey and Kris could learn a thing or two from Adam.
Now HE’S a teacher!

Just Jenny*

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