Thursday, May 28, 2009

Is Television The Smart Man's Joke?

Today I was beginning my seventh straight hour of watching television when I began to wonder why it is that Americans are so obsessed with watching TV? Is it the 70 billion channels of basically the same shows replayed over and over again, each showing with even more and more commercials? Is it the volume control that allows you to drown out every other person in your house, making the tube the one thing that separates you from suicide? Or is the shear brilliance of entertainment value?
I have a theory.
I think that television was invented by smart guys who wanted to suck all of their stupid, alcoholic bullies into a cyber-land of nothingness in order to get back at them for years and years of wet willies. If they could just get all of their enemies addicted to a box that had pretty pictures and clapping sounds then they would be free to take over the world and create large, earth-killing factories with ease.
But the television is much more complicated than it leads on. Africa is completely missing out on the difficulties of America's every day life. There are so many buttons and remotes, how can a single person keep track of it all?
First, there's the picture quality. You have to be able to position yourself just close enough to see all of the acne scars on Seal's face but far enough away so you don't have to stare at the zits covering the Jonas Brothers' overrated faces.
Secondly, there's the difficult task of picking the right channel. Do you switch between commercials and take the risk of missing the entrance song of Friends that you've now memorized down to the last clap? Or do you stick it out through the commercial break and catch yourself so embarrassingly singing along to the song?
And then there's the SUPER confusing task of deciding on volume. Do you play it really loud and then mute it when your wife/mother comes in who talk super loud just to emphasis that you've got it turned up too loud? Or do you keep it quiet enough so they can't hear from the other room? But then if you do that, you miss about every other work that Ray Romano says and then you can't figure out why the invisible people in his kitchen are laughing hysterically at his big nose?
It's all quite daunting. No wonder America's education has been heading down the toilet...along with Tori Spelling's career--which happens to be what I was watching for a good two hours of my oh-so-fullfilling life today. Watching other "famous" people's worthless lives really do peppin up a girl's day.
Those Smart Guys had quite the sense of humor.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Groups Never Work

Have you ever noticed that the concept of "group" work is really more of a joke?
All the "groups" in the world consist of one person with a bunch of other friends/followers who like to leech on to the leader's talent and success.
Take for instance Destiny's Child. There's a reason its called that: Destiny's Child. Not children. Not offspring, family, sisters, cherubs, youngsters, progeny, or broods. There is only one: Child. And her name is Beyonce.
Sure, the other girls that were constantly switched out and replaced had some talent. They didn't make me reach for the knife or stick my finger down my throat, but they weren't Simon's "Brillant" either. They were decent.

However, they made millions and millions of dollars because of the same girl that was always in the middle, always had the solos, and always had the lowest cut dress--BEYONCE.
She WAS Destiny's Child. And that is why now she is living large with her silver utensils and blinged out toothbrush while the other girls are getting GLAD with their tubberwear that they use over and over again despite the "Disposable" label on the front. Poor Poor Girls.
And NYSC! So long boys, JT is stealing all the fame and fortune. I wonder if he shares--invites the boys over for their one week meal, lets them borrow the maid's golf cart once and while...but I doubt it.

Why would JT share all of his talent and money with some gay guy hasbeens? I dunno???
But I do like to wonder how the losers spend all their free time--soaking up the little ounces of fame they have left by getting free coupons at the gas stations or a free smiley sticker at WalMart. I bet they feel so proud.
I sure would. Living each day off the money you made in a period of four years, ten years ago must feel nice. I guess Destiny's ex-children could get real fat and go on Celebrity Fat Camp or something.
THANK GOD for those shows, otherwise our lost-pathetic-loved-ones could never make it.
Poor Lance Bass....and the other ones I can't remember.

Good Luck. Its a Tough World--buy a dress and pretend to be gay. That will fix everything!
--Just Jenny*

Sunday, May 17, 2009

RENT is better than breathing!

I just saw RENT this afternoon and I have to say that every time I see it it gets better and better.
I saw it in NYC right before it left its home forever and I almost peed it was so good.
Nothing can beat love, aids, drugs, gays, strippers, and MORE!
But while I was sitting there soaking up all of its loveliness, I was wondering how it got so popular. There are so many homophobes and conservative morons out there that I would think it would banned in states like Texas. Not to hate on my home state or anything, but there is an unnecessary amount of republicans. Its dangerous. If you don't own a gun and eat half a cow a day you might as well be the Backstreet Boys--No one cares about you and everyone basically all wishes you would just leave.
So how can musicals like Rent make it?
I know how.....because of the lovely people on the left side of the country club that won't tolerate discrimination. HA! Take that John-Whitey-RIP-McCain!
I for one could not be so grateful to the people of NYC and LA who give little boys with tights and their sister's bra hope.
Not that I am one of those seeing as I am a girl, but I go to school with a ton of theater-flamboyant-wannabe-trackstar boys who just try and fit in with the other Preppy, alcoholic jocks. But they will never fit in. NEVER! Because they love to sing and dream about other boys.
Although, unfortunetly, they are too stuck in their conservative ways to fully understand their homosexual potential.
So I guess all I have to say is: ITS OKAY TO BE GAY YOU GUYS!!!!! (and guys only. lesbians are just gross. Except for Ellen.)
And luckily, its also okay to be straight.
This is what RENT has brought to the America--clay gaykins and the Wiggles.
Just Jenny

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The New Disney

Is it just me or has every "kid" show become more and more of a brat fest?
I was flipping through the channels the other day and I realized that television just isn't what it used to be.
Even in the last couple years it changed so dramatically it makes me want to cry. ESPECIALLY on "young adults" shows. I hate that word. Young adults. You're either an adult or your not. Period. Skinny or fat. The End.
And when it comes to "young adults" watching television it comes down mainly to two channels: Disney and Nickelodeon.
But the thing is, is that they are NO LONGER "Disney" and "Nickelodeon". They are "Bitch Brats" and "Obnoxiously Demonic". There is no middle ground. No normalcy. They aren't even real people.

The shows consist of:
1. Hannah Montana--aka Bitch-from-hell-who-now-owns-her-parents because she's making all doe prancing around in Brittany Spears Wannabe wigs and jeans that are so tight they cut off all blood flow to the brain. Hannah Montana is such a snob it makes me want ralph all over her werid-ass accent. Its not a nashville accent. Its not a California accent. I honestly think she just made it up. Anyway, enough said. I've spent too many letters on her anyway.

2. Zac and Cody--aka The Midget Twins. I hate how shows think that if they all just talk super loud then that means its funny. Its not. Its obnoxious and actually it just hurts my head. Even flipping through the channels its like a big blow horn! Every time they open their mouths I start to see spots floating around and I feel like I need some Excedrin. Try whispering or pantomiming. Maybe then I could stand to look at your abnormally small torsos.

3. iCarly--not only does this show encourage kids to film themselves and post in on youtube for the world to see (followed by large men who have intereseting imaginations) but it makes them think that they have an actual chance at fame. They do not. Its a harsh world. Get used to it kiddos!!!! YOU WILL NEVER BE SPECIAL! And btw, eat a cookie. When the space between your two legs is wider than your actual leg you've got a problem. Its called anorexia. Sorry Carly, but I only speak the truth.

Do you see what I mean? Disney and Nick--get some real actors with some plain talent. Wow, what a funny concept. Talent. Hmmmm....
Hasta Luego,
Just Jenny*

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Well, today was just another boring day at mi escuela. Once again, Mr. G (an evil,idiotic loser from Brownsville disguised as my Ap History Teacher) forgot that he is in fact a teacher and did not come to school, leaving a bunch of mindless teenagers to suffer through an hour and half unsupervised. Golly Gee, what ever shall teenagers do with an hour and half of ‘free time’ and no one watching us?

In an hour and half teens can do a boat load of things: buy a house on Ebay, watch an illegal X-rated movie on the internet, and create huge gossip that will potentially lead to someone with weird hair and purple circles under their eyes coming back years later and shooting everybody. Nn hour and half in the hands of crazy teenagers can even create MORE crazy teenagers (in about fifteen years and nine months). However, Teens can even…UH-OH…CLOSE YOUR CHILDREN’S EYES…do their…………………… HOMEWORK!!!! STOP THE PRESS!

Well, maybe not normal teens, but that is exactly what my classmates (a.k.a. losers) decided to do in an isolated portable with no cameras. Man, life sure is crazy sometimes. Give me some homework and a Dr.Pepper and I’ve got a wild Friday night. And it’s all due to Mr. G and his great methods of teaching. They say absence is key in finding yourself…maybe G is only trying to find himself….fired.

But I suppose teaching means something different to everybody. There are all kinds of role models and all kinds of teaching styles I have discovered.

Some, like Lindsay Lohan, teach their sisters that—Oh, its fine if you go out and drink and do drugs and get in car wrecks and don’t show up to work, you can just become a lesbian and everyone will forget that you were ever a crack-whore, because now you’re just ‘hip’ and if anyone makes fun of lesbians they get called Bill O’Reilly and they’re rejected by society--so your in the clear. Don’t worry Ali, drink up!
Wow, Lindsay is so wise.

Some others, however, take a different approach to teaching. Like Stephenie Meyer—she decided to write a book to young teens about cereal killers and if you ever realize that the boy who is stalking you is actually a human-eating machine—don’t worry—just let him sleep in the same bed as you every night and everything will turn out just dandy. You might even get turned into a monster and get married at 19 too!!!!!!! Trust in strangers is key young grasshoppers.

But I have to say, my favorite teacher of all time has to be Mr. Rogers. Maybe/Maybe-Not-Real-God Bless his soul. Not only did Mr. Rogers come into children’s around the world television sets EVERY morning with too big of a smile for a man close to eternal sleep, but he also managed to turn learning into a beaming, delusional, and sometimes moronic event.

First, Mr. Rogers would enter his house, which we (the audience) were already in because his imaginary friends gave us a spare key, and he would sing us that same song. EVERY MORNING! “It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?” It’s okay kids, consistency is key and if you agree to be mine and watch me everyday your parents will stop fighting and the kids at school will magically stop stealing your fruit roll-up.
I just have to say that if I ever sung that same pinheaded song every morning to my mother she would have had me checked for schizophrenia or some sort of ADHD problem. And then, after the lovely lullaby, Mr. Rogers would turn on a movie to show us how the topic-of-the-day really worked. A MOVIE! I’m sorry, but I do not turn on the television to my favorite show so that then my favorite show can show me its favorite movie. NO. Talk about copywright. What is he trying to teach us? If you turn in your paper about racism and just put one sentence: See Hucklebery Finn for further information then you’ll get an A! I believe this is incorrect MR. ROGERS!

AND THEN…if that’s not enough, Mr. Rogers would send his train (who he talked to on a regular basis even though it never said anything back) to guide us into his magical “puppet” world. This world not only had adult puppets full of people’s hands moving them but also they had puppet children and puppet families. I mean, ever since, I’ve never been able to look at people clapping the same way. “Oh yes, Bravo! Whoop Whoop! Clap, Clap! Oh wait a minute, my hands just conceived another hand! Call the doctor!’ I’m sorry but no. This is NOT something that we should be teaching to children.

Mr. Rogers, way to go! Completely on your own you managed turn a society full of semi-normal children into talking-to-trains-singing-to-yourself-clapping-baby-freaks! Congrats.
But once again, I guess I can’t control how everything works, especially how leaders of today are teaching other, no-longer-potential-leaders of tomorrow.

And with that, I say adieu. American Idol is about to come on and btw if Adam Lambert does not win I am giving up on the entire American society. Gokey and Kris could learn a thing or two from Adam.
Now HE’S a teacher!

Just Jenny*